A Query for Kids

– What we can learn from one profound question

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One evening about 5 years ago I found myself listening to a podcast on parenting. While this is not my typical sort of content, my wife and I were working overtime to figure out this whole parenting thing in regard to our then 3 year old. If management (leading other adults in a paid work setting) is a challenge, then doing this same thing but with children 7 days a week CERTAINLY is a handful. While I don’t remember who the expert was or even what podcast show they were speaking on, there was one fantastic question that was discussed that has helped me not only in parenting but also in my own life and in the lives of others as well.

One Profound Question

“Is this helping you get what you want?”. Doesn’t sound all that helpful, does it? But the guest on this podcast mentioned how he had asked this question to his children innumerable times as they grew up. At the time, I remember thinking how helpful this might actually be. So I decided to start trying it. One of the next times that my son began to throw a tantrum over who knows what, I asked him, “What is it that you want?”. He most likely replied with something like “Candy”. I then asked “Okay, is your tantrum going to help you get candy?”. His response was of course “No”. 

Over the years that have followed I have asked this question too many times to count. At some point I began to phrase it by saying “Is this behavior going to help or hurt your chances of getting what you just said you want?”. 

At some point I began to look around and realize that it is not only children who must face this question, but adults as well. How can this be? Surely children have not yet learned that certain behaviors usually lead to certain outcomes, but adults/professionals have long since mastered this lesson, right? As you already know, this is NOT the case.

A Few Examples

-An employee wants a raise, and she aggressively confronts her boss claiming that she is underpaid.

-A boss wants his employees to thrive, and he chooses not to hold them accountable each day. 

-A spouse wants a healthy relationship, and they see opportunities to serve their other half around the house but choose not to.

Each of these situations are things that people like you and I might do every day. At times we SAY we want one thing, but then do things that simply don’t make sense. Similarly, others around us do this as well, and we sometimes lack the courage to point this out to them for their benefit. So what can we do about this?

  1. Ask ourselves and others a few simple questions. “Is this behavior going to help me get what I want? Is my behavior in alignment with my desires? What would a person who wants _________ do to give themselves the greatest chance of getting it?”
  2. Avoid lying to ourselves. Remember that the first rule of being successful is never lie to yourself. If you and I choose to behave a certain way, for any number of reasons, then alright. But avoid saying one thing but then doing another and thus being untruthful in the process.
  3. Honor the power of mirrored reciprocation. If you want to start a fight then start yelling at someone. But if you yell at someone, do not be surprised when they fire right back. People most often reciprocate our words and actions in a mirror-like fashion. As the Golden Rule says, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you”.

In Closing

How can this one question for kids help you in your life or career? Where are you saying one thing but then doing something that hurts instead of helps? How can you use this simple question to grow others around you?

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